Guru: The Enigma

It was over one of my usual coffees at Vida, where I go to do all my thinking, that I happened to shoot a glance at the headlines of the morning’s Cape Times. “The Guru is off the Market” it read in bold Times New Roman font. The woman reading it let out a low sigh, “That’s a pity” she uttered. I thought nothing of it at first, but then I got to thinking, why does the Guru illicit such a response from Cape Town’s women. I asked around and found, not only was this not an isolated incident, but women had been seen to openly weep at the reading of the news.

Why was this? So I did some digging. My search took me to the Rondebosch Library. I poured over ancient texts and inscriptions written centuries ago by men far wiser than I. My search yielded no valuable information. I packed up my stuff, angry and frustrated that I was no closer to understanding the Enigma that is the Guru. I was walking out past the rows of books when a delightful looking 1^st year dropped the pile of books she was carrying. Being the Gentleman that I am, I offered to help. I noticed the title of the first book, “Men: What am I doing wrong?”

Hectique I thought as I managed a slight smile. She was now embarrassed, realizing I had read the title and she blushed. “All cuz of the damn GURU!” she hissed in a top class Joburg accent (Baxter I though, maybe bi-curios). I froze, my mind racing, “Excuse me miss, did you just say the Guru is responsible for your predicament?” I uttered, now wild with apprehension. “Well, um, you see, we were both really drunk…I don’t usually do things like that…I mean he was the Guru after all, he had me at hello.” SWEET-JESUS-H-CHRIST, Jackpot!!!

I had a real life Guru conquest in my very hands! The questions flooded into my head!! What line got you? Is he really as good as he claims he is? Does he pay for your taxi home afterwards? But I knew there was only 1 question I needed to ask… What is so special about the Guru?

She looked at me incredulously, as if it were obvious. After what felt like a full minute (I swear I could hear the hamster wheel squeaking) she mustered up a response. “Its just his vibe. He whispers nice things to you, makes you feel special, then he acts like he’s not interested, it drove me wild!!! I wanted him, but was angry at him at the same time for flirting with other girls. I was so confused, then he pounced and it was all over, and before I knew it, I was in a taxi on the way home (he paid, I checked).

So there it is folks. Smoke and mirrors is how he operates. Be mean and keep em keen and You want what you cant have are maxim's he lives by. This is the recipe that has brought this man so much success on the Dance floors of Tiger Tiger and Pulse.

But alas, the legend has died because he has been taken from us far before his time, and before we were ready to let him go.

It has in deed died, or has it…